Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Mushtaq Hussain
“Women tend to recover faster because they know how attached they are to their partners, so the shock isn't as great,” says Brown. “The pain is still there, to be sure, but it typically doesn't last as long because women intuitively know what the magnitude of the loss will be if things don't work out.”
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Read More »When I was 27 I started seeing a guy (let’s call him Brad), who was 10 years my senior. He said he wanted something serious, and after a few intense dates, he said he wanted that with me. My feelings? Same — times infinity. I was infatuated, revering Brad as the most wonderful guy I’d ever met, let alone dated. But after a few months, it became evident that Brad, however eager to settle down, would never be able to commit to me. One of the reasons? He wasn’t over two of his exes. One of them was an ex he’d parted ways with over two decades ago. Yes, Brad, pushing 40, was still hung up on a girl he’d been with in high school. I was baffled. Had there been some tragedy? Had she been killed in a fire? No. It’s just that she broke his heart rather abruptly, after about a year of going steady. He hadn’t seen it coming, and she’d been cruel — transforming from prom date to mean girl in an incomprehensible instant. My first “real” boyfriend in college who I had been with for two years had once blubbered while we watched Jules et Jim because it was his ex’s favorite movie — an ex who left him because he’d cheated. Another guy I’d dated was seemingly over the girlfriend that had left him, but if ever she came up in conversation, he’d become so melancholy I’d have to leave him be for a good 15 minutes to stare longingly into space. Then there was Franz, my love from Germany, who as soon as his internship in the U.S was finished, reunited with his ex back in Heidelberg. “In some ways for me, it was never really over,” he’d said. While I could relate to the pain of being dumped (and even the demobilizing depression that had followed in a couple of cases), this male behavior confused me. What was particularly befuddling was this: They weren’t just sad or missing someone or even recognizing that they maybe weren’t ready to move on, they seemed to be still processing the sheer fact of the breakup — even if the breakup had been eons ago.
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Read More »“I have always had a theory that is related to males traditionally being the pursuers,” Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist, relationship coach and divorce mediator. “They like the pursuit and seem to place more value (at least initially) on a woman that is beyond their reach. When she ends the relationship, this rejection could hit his confidence and self-esteem hard.” That rejection can stimulate obsession, which can then turn into denial, which renders the wounded man “unable to move on.” “I have many images of men sobbing and even curling up in fetal positions in my office over a relationship loss — even after they were the one who was unable to commit earlier on,” Coleman goes on. “Men are the ones who more often bring in an email where they have taken one line and interpreted it as a reason for hope, even when it is clear there is none.” Coleman has also found that often, men are less willing or able than women to take accountability for what went wrong in the relationship. “[Men] often struggle with accepting responsibility for their part in the breakup, instead seeing her leaving as an unfair decision that they did not deserve,” says Coleman. “Men are more prone to being shocked,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “The greater the shock of the loss, the longer it takes to recover.” Traditionally, society encourages women to talk about their relationships with one another, while men are often encouraged to 'man up.' But why would men be less prepared than women? In Brown’s estimations, it comes down to knowing just how attached you are to your partner — a cognizance that may more easily manifest in women than men. “Women tend to recover faster because they know how attached they are to their partners, so the shock isn't as great,” says Brown. “The pain is still there, to be sure, but it typically doesn't last as long because women intuitively know what the magnitude of the loss will be if things don't work out.” In all this dissecting, it’s important to note that men are not less emotional than women, but rather they may be less equipped with emotional support. And to some degree, it’s not their fault. Richard Matzkin, a former men’s therapy group leader and the author of "Loving Promises: The Master Class For Creating Magnificent Relationship," asserts that it’s more a matter of women “being more in touch with their emotions” and more “emotionally durable."
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