Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Andrea Piacquadio
“Space can heal a relationship,” explains Jason Polk, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Denver, Colorado, “especially if the couple is currently toxic or verbally abusive to each other.” That's why some couples therapists might even suggest a break or taking space to a couple.
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Read More »Share on Pinterest ljubaphoto/Getty Images Taking a break can actually be a good thing in a relationship. It all depends on how you use that time apart. In 1997, the line “we were on a break” became famous almost overnight from the hit sitcom “Friends” — and it’s still a very popular meme today. But as a result of this popular TV show, many people may think that relationship breaks either don’t work or are just a precursor to a more permanent breakup. In reality, that doesn’t have to be the case. Sometimes, when you’re in the middle of a relationship crisis, pressing “pause” might actually be a good thing. Can space help heal a relationship? In short: yes — as long as both people in the relationship want it to. “Space can heal a relationship,” explains Jason Polk, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Denver, Colorado, “especially if the couple is currently toxic or verbally abusive to each other.” That’s why some couples therapists might even suggest a break or taking space to a couple. For example, Polk says he sometimes suggests it if a couple has intense fights in front of their kids. Taking time apart can allow you both to think about the issues in your relationship, cool off, learn new coping strategies, and come back together with a different lens or perspective that can be difficult to have when you’re together and actively fighting through your issues. “When people are trapped in a vicious or unhealthy cycle and their nervous systems are activated, and their brains are hijacked by emotion, it can be hard to think clearly,” says Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, a licensed psychologist in New York and California. A little space, therefore, can give couples time to create a plan to work through their issues in a healthier way. Does needing space mean breaking up? Taking time apart doesn’t have to be a precursor to a breakup or divorce. In fact, says Omar Ruiz, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Wellesley, Massachusetts, denying a break could be worse. “If people refuse for someone to have space, then they are more than likely to actually push their partner into breaking up.” The key is to establish the rules and parameters around the break ahead of time — something that Ross and Rachel didn’t do in the TV show “Friends.” That’s because a break only works if you make the most of your time away from each other and you’re both on the same page regarding the purpose of the break. Being on the same page includes setting the boundaries of the break, such as whether the two of you are expected to withhold from being intimate with other people. “Just taking time away will not make the issues and problematic dynamics in your relationship magically disappear,” Ruiz continues. “If [the couple] spend time away with the intention to work on themselves and come back to improve the relationship, it can be useful.” However, if one of you just wants space to grieve the relationship and has no intention of learning new tools to deal with your issues, space won’t help anything. That’s why it’s important to set firm expectations before you separate. Polk recommends deciding on a timeframe for the separation, for example, setting a firm date for when you’ll both come back together and decide whether you’ll stay together, take more time apart, or break up. How long should space in a relationship last? Ultimately, this depends on what you and your partner decide is best for your relationship. “Space can be from a couple of hours to a couple of days or weeks,” says Ruiz, though he generally doesn’t recommend his clients take longer than 3 to 4 weeks. “The timeframe that is being considered should be reasonable for both parties to agree with,” he says. Polk, meanwhile, says he has seen longer — up to 3 months — as long as both agree on it. “There is no universal number [for how long to be apart],” says Peck, “but I would suggest that it not be so long that partners actually just disconnect from the relationship and start living independent lives.”
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Read More »Can a relationship work after space? “Yes, I have seen it create an increase in appreciation for each other,” says Polk. “When someone leaves, you may realize all they do for the household, family, and you.” “It may also connect someone to the consequences of a negative behavior,” he adds. For example, it may help you realize the ramifications of not changing habits that upset your partner. Taking time apart might also change how you communicate with each other about your needs. It might also help you both set better boundaries. However, sometimes, Polk admits, “you may also realize that the relationship [isn’t healthy] and you’re better off ending it.”
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