Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Nicola Barts
Although ending a relationship can be painful, a separation can give a couple space to work on personal issues that have been harming the relationship. 'It can help individuals reassess their priorities, helping them to know more about what they would like to get out of a relationship,' says Fredrickson.
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Read More »My boyfriend and I had been having problems for a few months and at the beginning of last November, we decided to break it off. But by the end of January, we were engaged and, dare I say it, happier than ever. Conventional wisdom says that getting back together with an ex is something that should be approached with caution. Studies tend to show that couples who break up and get back together often end up parting permanently, or are less satisfied in their relationship overall. But as with every good rule, there are exceptions – and in some cases a split can actually be the thing that revives a flagging relationship. ‘A break-up is not diagnostic of future failure,’ says Dr Barbara Fredrickson, author of Love 2.o (Hudson Street Press, £18.99) ‘Couples break up for all kinds of reasons.’ Although ending a relationship can be painful, a separation can give a couple space to work on personal issues that have been harming the relationship. ‘It can help individuals reassess their priorities, helping them to know more about what they would like to get out of a relationship,’ says Fredrickson. ‘Good relationships are based on a foundation of micro-moments of shared positive resonance, that energising feeling you get when you really connect and click with your partner. If these are in short supply, then a couple might need to rethink the things they do together.’ Getting back together with an ex shouldn’t be taken lightly. If time apart has given both parties a new perspective on their relationship, it’s important that this is discussed openly in order to effect change for the future, and it may be worth considering counselling to give your second attempt a better chance of success. ‘Just getting back together and saying “we are going to try harder” without a specific plan probably won’t work any better than it did previously,’ says Dr Sophie Slade, Imago relationship therapist.
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