Infatuation Rules
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Can an infatuation turn into love?

Infatuation can be the first stage of love, but not everyone experiences infatuation. You can meet someone wonderful without that love-at-first-sight rush. Mundin emphasizes that infatuation can turn into love, but only if you're willing to let go of the perfect fantasy and overcome any disappointment that brings.

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Love also looks to celebrate differences and build a connection that allows both people to thrive as individuals. It may require intentional work and effort from each partner to come together in disagreement to work toward a mutual goal. Love is a choice . Love, on the other hand, may be less oblivious to another person’s shortcomings or incompatibilities. It exists despite those. Infatuation is also a deep sense of connection, mainly based on the idealization of someone else. It can feel intense, passionate, and beyond reason. Many may refer to it as love at first sight . Being swept off your feet or “head over heels” for someone new — despite not knowing them very well — is often referred to as infatuation. Ignoring relationship red flags and fantasizing about the perfect life with someone you just met may be signs of infatuation versus love. The difference between infatuation versus love is often one of assumption versus reality. “With infatuation, there’s usually a connection; you usually have at least one thing in common, but the high it creates for someone is based usually on a fantasy that we have created about the person, an idealized version of them,” explains Sarah Moore, a licensed professional counselor from Arlington, Virginia.

Here are other differences between love and infatuation:

Perfection vs. individuality

Infatuation can lead you to see someone as flawless or ideal, despite evidence of differences, says Dr. Dug Y. Lee, a board certified couple and family psychologist and professor from Bellevue, Washington. Love, on the other hand, has identified and acknowledged differences as individuality, accepting the partner as a whole. Lee explains infatuation might make you put a positive spin on undesirable characteristics instead of accepting them, for example, whereas love will be empathetic, kind, and looking to problem solve challenges without denial they exist. In extreme situations, infatuation may lure you into an abusive relationship by blinding you to important red flags.

Craving vs. satisfaction

Moore says the feelings that come along with infatuation are often similar to a “high,” including:

heightened arousal

excessive laughter

anticipation

longing

This could lead you to engage in behaviors that may not be safe for you or others. Love can also involve feelings of excitement about being with the other person; however, love typically allows for you to feel content in your relationship, free of constant craving for that other person or the anxiety that it may cause you the uncertainty of their feelings.

Assumptions vs. intimacy

“On a truly personal level, you don’t know the individual all that well,” Dr. Joann Mundin, a board certified psychiatrist from Sacramento, explains of infatuation. “Most of what you know about the individual is superficial, either on their looks or how they behave in a group.” Love involves a sense of real intimacy; knowing things about your partner other people aren’t privy to, witnessing vulnerability and emotional need, and being trusted with potentially hurtful information.

Planning the future vs. future planning

Mundin adds it’s also common for people experiencing infatuation to fantasize about the ideal future they may or could have with the other person. These fantasies may involve vacations they’ll go on, children they’ll have, or achievements they’ll receive — all without input from the other person. Infatuation may even lead you to believe the other person is in love with you, without this being the case. Love may take a more practical approach to the future. Couples in love often discuss career, marriage, and children goals together after feelings and the relationship have proven stable.

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Do I love him or is it infatuation?

Sternberg's theory of love, infatuation is rooted in passion; you're wildly attracted to the person, you're excited to see them, the sex is great, etc. Meanwhile, romantic love is rooted in both passion and intimacy; you have all the ingredients of infatuation, coupled with friendship, trust, support, etc.

2. Ask probing questions

You need to get beyond the person’s day-to-day, and into the stuff of their dreams. If you’ve been dating for a while—at least a few months—you should feel free to ask where they see their life going, if they want kids, if they envision getting married one day, if they want to travel, what kind of life they want to have. This is how you see if you’re evolving in the same direction, and if you can complement each other along the way. It’s shocking to me how many people don’t ask the deeper questions, and end up wasting time with someone who isn’t in it for the same reasons (i.e. marriage, kids, commitment) that they are.

3. Talk on the phone

When I was dating, a weird sign developed among every person who was seriously invested in building a relationship with me: They’d call me on the phone. Hearing someone’s voice and sharing stories verbally, even when you can’t be physically with the person, creates far more of a bond and shows you’re committed to the work. It takes ten seconds to send a text; it takes set-aside time to make a phone call. Prioritize it, and command it from your partner.

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