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Can a narcissist be a good mother?

A mother with narcissistic personality disorder cannot give their children adequate attention and nurturing. Their entitlement often results in them mistreating their children. Additionally, a narcissistic mother will tend to use her children as a prop or device to meet her own needs.

choosingtherapy.com - 7 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother & How to Cope

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Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex condition. Therefore, understanding the signs of a narcissistic parent is essential for anyone who suspects their parents may have this disorder. Narcissistic abuse can be insidious, but many children grow up believing the toxicity in their household is perfectly reasonable. They often also blame themselves for the distress.

Here are seven signs your mother is a narcissist:

1. She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, parents respect their child’s boundaries. Even if they don’t always agree with their child’s choice, they understand that they cannot control their every move. People with NPD struggle with this. Narcissistic mothers have an exaggerated need for control and power, and they will often trample over someone’s boundaries to get what they want. For example, a mother with NPD might claim she was “just in the neighborhood and trying to be nice” after showing up to your house unannounced (after you’ve made it clear that you want her to call you in advance before visiting).

2. She Lacks Empathy (or Seems to Turn Empathy On & Off)

Most parents feel immense pain when their child is in pain. Subsequently, they also try to attune to their child’s likes, dislikes, and personal needs. In fact, many parents often have a sense of guilt or shame when they misattune with their children. This dynamic plays out differently in narcissistic relationships. Research shows that children of parents with NPD tend to report their parents lack empathy and showed limited interest in their emotional needs.1 They also indicate feeling “invisible,” as if their mother can’t take the time or energy to truly see or understand them.

3. She Seemingly Competes With You

Most parents want what’s best for their children. In fact, there is a common notion that parents want their children to have a better life than they ever had. But narcissistic mothers often compete with their children, particularly with daughters. They may resent their youth, beauty, and success. As a result, they might either criticize their children for being “too vain” or “stupid” or “selfish.” Or, they might try to sabotage them in some way.

4. She Gaslights You

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Gaslighting is a complex term, but it essentially refers to a form of psychological abuse intended to make another person feel crazy.2

Gaslighting comes in many different forms, but it may present as:

Being told you’re overreacting or dramatic for having a feeling.

Lying about the behavior (even when confronted).

Trying to convince you that it was just a joke.

Telling you that you’re misunderstanding or misremembering details.

Trying to change how you feel (“you should be grateful!”)

5. She Only Treats You Well in Public

A narcissistic mom can act like two entirely different people. When nobody is looking, they might be cruel, dismissive, or largely detached. But when she’s out in public, they may be showing you off, bragging about your accomplishments, or acting lovingly towards you. Unfortunately, this rarely comes from a place of a genuine concern for your needs. Instead, these efforts usually have more to do with them wanting to uphold an image of being a perfect parent.

6. She Often Presents as the Victim

Narcissism correlates with feeling unique and different from other people. As a result, a narcissistic mom may manipulate the situation to garner sympathy and attention. For example, she might often complain about feeling singled out or misunderstood. If an adverse event happens, it may even seem like she revels in the drama it invariably brings. People with narcissism often avoid personal accountability and use other people to satisfy their needs. In addition, they often bend societal rules to fit into their preconceived notions of how things should work. Subsequently, a narcissistic mother might always try to “get a deal” or “pull a fast one” on someone. Often, they pick friends based on what those friends can potentially offer rather than by how those friendships feel.

choosingtherapy.com - 7 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother & How to Cope

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