Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Any Lane
In research conducted with mothers and their adolescent children, the researchers found that mother-daughter pairs had more harmonious relationships, including fewer conflicts, than did mother-son pairs.
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Read More »With Mother’s Day just around the corner, it seems timely to think about the kinds of relationships that mothers have with their children and, conversely, the kinds of relationships that children have with their mothers. In 2006, the journal Sociological Perspectives published an article that began: “Throughout western history, the mother-daughter bond has been viewed as the strongest of human ties.” The researchers, sociologists J. Jill Suitor and Karl Pillemer, had gathered extensive data from 424 mothers who had at least one adult son and adult daughter for a total of 1,500 children. The researchers noted that when mothers are asked to rate how close they are to their children, they are reluctant to rate one child higher than another. So the researchers presented the mothers with forced-choice questions: “with which child are you most likely to discuss a personal problem?” and “which child would you choose to help you if you became ill or disabled?” They found that mothers overwhelmingly favoured daughters over sons: 80 per cent of mothers preferred to talk about a personal problem with a daughter, while only 20 per cent preferred a son. If a mother became ill or disabled, 87 per cent would turn to a daughter, and two-thirds of the mothers selected a daughter when asked to choose the child they felt emotionally closest to. As a social psychologist who has focused on research on friendships and dating and marital relationships, the declaration that the mother-daughter relationship was the closest human bond came as a surprise. But these findings are not unique. In research conducted with mothers and their adolescent children, the researchers found that mother-daughter pairs had more harmonious relationships, including fewer conflicts, than did mother-son pairs. Turning to even younger children, there is evidence that although fathers have become increasingly more involved in child care, mothers are still primary caregivers for infants and children.
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Read More »I examined the relationships between parents and their adult children. The findings were very similar to the first study. Mothers’ and fathers’ ratings of compassionate love for their adult child were very high, although slightly lower than in the study with young children. Both parents were willing to provide emotional and practical support to their child. In this study, fathers reported greater willingness to sacrifice for their adult children than did mothers. However, fathers reported more caregiving motivated by obligation than did mothers. They also scored higher than mothers on an exploitable dependency scale, which measures actions like worrying about having offended the child and excessive apologizing. Generally, the findings did not differ regardless of whether the parents were reporting on sons or daughters. Next, I also studied the relationship that adult children have with their parents. I found that adult daughters of all ages reported high levels of compassionate love for their mothers. The greater the compassionate love, the greater the willingness to make sacrifices for their mother and to provide emotional and instrumental support to her. Compassionate love also was associated with a healthy attachment to the mother. I also compared young adults’ compassionate love toward their mothers and their romantic partners. Sons reported higher levels of compassionate love and greater willingness to make sacrifices for their dating partner than for their mother. Daughters’ compassionate love and sacrifice did not differ significantly when reporting on their mothers versus their partners. In terms of caregiving motivated by feelings of obligation, daughters felt more obligated to provide care for their mothers than for their partners, whereas sons’ obligation did not differ, depending on whether they were responding with respect to their mother or partner. In a final study, I examined adult sons’ and daughters’ compassionate love and beneficence toward their mothers and fathers. Both sons and daughters reported higher levels of compassionate love — a selfless, caring kind of love — for their mothers than for their fathers.
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Read More »Sons reported greater willingness to sacrifice for their parents than did daughters. Daughters reported somewhat more obligation to care for their mother than their father. Both sons and daughters reported providing more emotional and practical support to their mother than for their father. When adult children were asked to rate the emotional and practical support that they received from their parents, both sons and daughters reported receiving more support from their mother than father.
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