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Am I needy in a relationship?

If you're unaccustomed to regular displays of affection, for example, someone's need for physical and verbal expressions of love could feel excessive to you. Wanting to be in touch throughout the day, when you're used to checking in only once a day, can also read as needy behavior.

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We often desire affection and assurance from our partners, but at what point does seeking attention become a red flag? It’s natural to feel the need for your partner to demonstrate how much they care about you. It can be the little gestures of affection in relationships that make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. Increasingly demanding and urging for more than your partner is already giving, however, can sometimes be referred to as being needy in a relationship. But what does it really mean to be needy and how can you approach the situation without judgment?

What is a needy person? Labeling someone as “needy” can be subjective. It can depend on your personality, culture, and background, as much as it can depend on theirs. What you may assess as needy, may be the standard for someone else. It’s important, then, to try to approach this topic without judgment and with compassion. If you’re unaccustomed to regular displays of affection, for example, someone’s need for physical and verbal expressions of love could feel excessive to you. Wanting to be in touch throughout the day, when you’re used to checking in only once a day, can also read as needy behavior. Everyone has different emotional and relationship needs. Needing constant reassurance or avoiding a breakup at all costs, even when the relationship doesn’t work, may be a sign that something else is happening, though. Some of the behaviors that could be labeled as needy in a relationship, but in reality point to something else, include: a push for continuous conversation (texting, calling, emailing, social media posting)

persistently asking for reaffirmations of love

seeking out compliments

wanting to spend every moment together

difficulty making decisions alone

anger or sadness when partner spends time with other people

pessimism toward the relationship or cycling pessimism and optimism

sensitivity to criticism, even when delivered gently

need for reassurance, not just in the relationship, but often in other areas of life

acting jealous without evident cause

What is needy and what is not? If you’re reading this wondering, “Am I needy?” you may benefit from looking beyond your current relationship and at your history as a whole. Are you seeing the same behavioral patterns in all your relationships, or is it unique to this situation?

Have you had a recent loss or a significant change in your life that’s making you feel insecure or in need of extra support?

Is your partner persistently detached or unexpressive?

Have you experienced infidelity or manipulation in this relationship? Differences in attachment styles and relationship expectations, as well as core personality components, can also create a dynamic that may lead to a false sense of someone being needy. If your partner, for example, isn’t used to communicating when or where they’ll be, you might find you’re checking up on them more regularly than you typically would. Or, you may be with a partner who isn’t as emotionally available. To them, your emotional needs may feel overwhelming. This doesn’t mean you’re needy. It might be that you both experience romantic relationships differently, or that the relationship itself needs a closer look.

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How to help your partner if they act needy It’s natural to have a reaction when someone else’s relationship style is significantly different from yours. Openly talking about your individual emotional needs can help establish clear expectations for both of you. Understanding that what some people may label as needy behaviors often come from unresolved emotional wounds may help you focus on empathy and support. If you feel you or your partner may be facing other personal challenges, talking about it can also help. It may also be a good idea to avoid judgment and to seek professional help. A mental health professional can help you explore the root cause of some of these behaviors as well as how to set boundaries in your relationship. You and your partner can both learn what unmet needs are driving these behaviors. When you have a better understanding of the dynamics at place, you can work together on a way to move forward and strengthen your bond. How to cope and heal if you feel you might be needy When you understand where needy behaviors come from, you can start to work toward ways to satisfy those unmet needs. A mental health professional can help. This process may involve managing an underlying mental health condition or reassessing limiting core beliefs. Working on coping skills to heal trauma may also help. You may also benefit from self-building strategies such as: practicing self-compassion

learning to be assertive

setting personal boundaries (being comfortable saying “no”)

acknowledging your positives and strengths

doing activities that are empowering

tackling challenges on your own

speaking to yourself in positive and loving language

learning skills that help you feel self-sufficient

helping others succeed

surrounding yourself with positive, supportive relationships

identifying relationship behaviors you shouldn’t tolerate

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